04.02.2012

I have been trying to find a way to write about depression since my last depression lifted and so far I have not managed to find a way forward to really nail it. The death of Mike Kelley this week got me thinking about the subject all over again. I have been trying to imagine the state of mind of someone so talented as Mike was and how he got to the point where he took his own life. I haven’t reached that stage for many years, in fact not since the 1980’s thank god but I have been on that pathway a few times since. There is a point in my depression where the mental pain is replaced by a physical pain, then there comes a point where you just want the physical pain to stop. You will do anything to make that physical pain stop including the ultimate, killing yourself. To reach that point you have travelled well beyond the point where everything seems hopeless and life has no point or meaning anymore. You no longer care about the things that triggered the depression in the first place, everything is meaningless by this stage. In fact their comes a point you start to feed of the depression, you use it as a device to sustain yourself. It is this cycle of thought that needs to be broken, this can be done through medication, analysis, change of environment or all of the these.

The important thing is that there is a way out of these ‘dark spaces’ and the possibilities of life beyond depression. Now I know what the triggers are in me and I can see them coming, I hope. All I have to do is look at my son and I know there is a way forward for me and ultimately for everyone. Today is sunny day and I will go outside now to buy the paper and be thankful for another day of calm and well being. I don’t want this to start to sound like hippy shit, but sometimes you have to be grateful for small mercy’s and just being able to exist. love to you all today, I really mean it, it has been a hard week so it’s time to be positive…

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