08.03.2012

I don't quite know why I am writing this but here goes, it is hard, very hard. I recently brought a book 'Heaven to Heaven, New Order The early years' 1981 to 1984. I went to quite a lot of the gigs described in the book and it brought back quite a few wonderful memories of the shows and other things like playing Space Invaders with Barney at the Fan Club in Leeds in January 1981. When I got home I took out my copy of 'Power Corruption and Lies' and put it on my turntable for the first time in many years. I didn't expect what happened next, I've always had an emotional response to music and hearing it again after so long just destroyed me. The album came out when I was 17 and studying for my 'A' levels and at that moment I realised I was soon to become an adult and the long brutality of my so called childhood was about to be over. I realised I could finally leave and they could hurt me no more, all I had to do was hang in there for the last few months. I used to play this record to keep me going, it was my active call of resistance to the danger and evil I faced on a daily basis.

Funny thing is when you are a child you think it's normal, you think everyones situation is like that and as you move towards adulthood you start to realise that it is not case. I was lucky that I had the strength and determination to get past it and to try to make some sort of life for myself. I didn't really understand quite how bad the situation was until I had a child of my own, but now I have had the wonderful experience of giving and receiving love from this wonderful boy I finally realise just how desperately awful my own situation was. Not that I hold any grudges, I knew even as a small child all I had to do was hang in there until I was old enough to be free. This is what went through my mind during each brutal attack. Luckily for me the attacks were only violent and mental not sexual. But I lived my childhood in a constant state of fear and repression, the nervousness is still with me now if I find myself near any type of confrontation.

Of course it has had long term effects on me, depression and being over self protective are only the start. It has in many ways stopped me being able to exploit any of the successes I have had with my work, as I feel completely worthless most of the time. If you are told that you are completely worthless for long enough as a child on top of the violence then it sure is a hard thing to kick.

But I have been lucky in many ways, and I am alive still so I can keep on trying to make things better and try to make myself a better person because of what has happen all those years ago. The record that brought back those memories is 30 years old next year, maybe I shouldn't of listen again, but I am happy I did, I want to say thank you to New Order and to the 'Bedford Crew' who made the book, anything can be overcome. The track 'Leave Me Alone', the last track on the record spoke to me then about me and my situation and gave me so much strength, it was such a great help to me then that listening to it now is basically impossible for me. I find it brings back so much it just can't bare it, but please listen to it as it is a truly amazing piece of music, thank you...

Lastly can the band please sort things out with Hooky please, it has to be possible...

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